thinking the worst first.

Andrew finally made it to the JSS, after 3 1/2 weeks in Kuwait. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Kuwait- mainly because I never felt like I had to worry about his safety. I also got pretty consistent communication from him while he was there. But I am kinda glad that the anticipation of him going to Iraq is over. I’m also really glad that all of his traveling is finished.

Due to crappy weather, instead of going to the JSS in helicopters they went in a convoy on the ground. To me, that meant much more of a chance of IEDs and ambushes. What a surreal reality-for Andy to be in that kind of potential danger and for me to be thinking about him being in that kind of potential danger. When I woke up the morning after they had travelled, I hadn’t heard anything yet from him. I didn’t hear for almost a day and a half. The following morning, when I was getting into my car to go to work, I had a thought I’ve never had before…”I’m really lucky the casualty officers didn’t come and ring my doorbell this morning.” …I don’t hear from my husband for a little while, and I let myself think the worst. Every scenario. He could have been blown up. Someone in his company could have been blown up, and there’s a communication freeze. 
What would I do if they rang my doorbell at 5AM? I’d be in bed. I think I’d look out my window, pulling up one blind to see an unmarked car. And then I picture myself freezing. Just sitting down on my floor with my back to the wall. I have a feeling I would sit there for a while. Because you already know. You wouldn’t need someone to tell you. I always refer to that moment as the worst thing that could ever happen. That sickening moment of solitude, when you know you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. That you just lost your best friend to something he believed in, something he knew he might die for, something he must have somewhere deep down been okay with dying for. 
I thought about this on my drive to work. And then I got to work, got out of my car and went on with my day. But I have a feeling these thoughts are going to be hanging around for a while. I have a feeling they’re probably even going to get worse. Like when the doorbell rings, and I’m not expecting anyone… I think I’ll begin to always think the worst first.
I obviously have heard from Andy. He is at the JSS. He hasn’t been able to move into his plywood room yet, because the platoon leaders his company is replacing hasn’t left yet. So he is just kinda displaced for a while. I felt bad, but he said the JSS is nicer than he first thought it would be. So I don’t feel terrible. 
He actually had me pretty amazed today, telling me about make-shift urinals there. PVC pipes that are built into a wall and go directly outside into a moat. A moat of pee. I told Andy not to touch them with his you know what because he might pick up syphilis or something. That made him laugh. Apparently my first thought of how it works was not right. It’s a foot wide PVC pipe that you just sort of aim and shoot into. I hope no one stands on the outside of that building. It seems like a way to play a dirty trick. Like all of a sudden you see someones face at the bottom of the pipe screaming at you or laughing. But at least then you could just pee on their face.
It’s better for me to think of urinals at the JSS, then about missions Andy might go on. I don’t really like the idea of missions. At least when you go on a mission you go, accomplish something and return. It’s not open ended or anything. Still though. I always come back to the potential danger.
I think this is all part of it. So long as you don’t let the worst thoughts overtake you, you’re okay. So I’m okay. Lily is biting me a lot tonight and her breath kinda stinks, but I’m okay.

Comments

  1. I guess the mental anguish is really the hardest part of someone being deployed. Think super-positive thoughts – send them out there – all the way to Iraq.
    NO BITE!!

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